Mt. TOP......greatly missed.

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 21:51:01 GMT

It's weird, I was looking back on old Mt. TOP photos and I realized, I was the happiest when I was there. Well, at least, it was one of the best times of my life and it's only a week long experience. The vibe in the mountains is one I wish I could live in all the time. People have their differences but for the most part we all get along because we're there for one reason, to help and praise God. People always said to me before we even left that I could walk away with a relationship for life, that someone here could be my friend for the rest of my life. After my first year of camp I didn't think that was possible. I had a blast, I still remember everyone's name but where's the relationship? We all talked to each other for a few weeks afterwards but then the emails, IM's and letters faded away and now I have a camera's worth of pictures and some great memories.

My second year was very different. I went in thinking, I'm going to have the time of my life while I'm here but I never expected to take away as much as I did. In a way, that week kind of changed my life. We got our YRG's and I met the coolest little kid ever, his name was Andy Kusters and I fell in love with him. I connected with everyone in my group, telling stories about home, school and whatever else. Andy always had a smile on his face and it made me feel amazing everytime I saw him. We played games in the van and on the worksite and I felt a real bond. I learned a thing or two about myself...that I can't live without God in my life, being surrounded by that kid of attitude really made me see that this is what made me smile. At the end of the week, and at my four years of being a Mt. TOP camper, I actually cried. My third year I may have gotten a little teary-eyed but this week with Andy, Bob, Katie, Alyssa and Brian, I actually cried. Bob became like a dad to me, he lives right around the corner from me at home so I wasn't too worried that I was going to lose a relationship with him. I was scared of losing one with Andy. He gave me his hat at the end of the week...which I managed to lose but I don't care about that, I care about the memories.

The two of us talked a lot after we both returned home, we sent cards to each other in the mail, sent emails and IMed each other almost everyday. We don't talk as much as we used too and sometimes it makes me wonder what will eventually happen to us. We both have myspaces though and talk all the time on that. I always talk about my trip I'm going to take to Wisconsin to see him, but it never quite works out. Bob and I have had lunch together a few times and we send emails back and forth, I like talking to him...he's an adult but certain things can be said that I might not mention in front of my parents. I still can recall everything that happened that week but yet I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday.

My third year brought the most amazing little child into my life, and he wasn't in my group. Although my group was pretty stellar and I keep in touch with a few of them this kid made me see life in a whole new way. He has next too nothing, has no cell phone, doesn't have the internet unless he's in school and his friends are all these rude little boys who think it's fun to swear at the age of 12. We went to this kids house for a two-day project building a shed. This kid, Cody rides by with his little friend on their four-wheelers (the friend flicks us off) I expected Cody to flip us the bird as well but he didn't. They stopped right outside the house on their way back and Cody punched his friend and told him that we were there to help his family. His friend left and we didn't see him till the next day. Cody, whom we expected after that to go inside came over and asked if he could help. He told us stories about his grandmother, climbed up on the top of the shed we were building to put on the tin roof, told us what school was and his baseball team they formed after school.

I took a water break sometime during this whole ordeal and he came over to get some gatorade. He sat down and looked at me for a while. I asked him why he was staring at me and he said, "Your parents don't buy you stuff, do they?" I told him no, and that I usually worked for what I wanted but in the back of my head I thought about this digital camera my parents had just bought me because I was careless and broke my other one. Cody told me that he had nothing, didn't even know what a computer was until he turned 11, I knew what one was when I was 3. We talked for longer than I expected and when Will came over looking for me to help with the shed he said maybe I'd be better off staying with Cody. This kid made me realize that material goods aren't what make life go on. You don't need a new computer every two years, I didn't really need that digital camera right away but I insited on it. No one needs a brand new mercedes when they turn sixteen and don't even know how to drive it, no one needs 42 weeks worth of clothing and no one needs half the junk you probably own. I hugged this kid when we were done talking even though I knew he didn't really want me to hug him.

In the van on the way back to camp Jenny asked me why I skimped out on helping with the shed, she said we're going to have to really hustle to get it done the next day, I told her that I didn't care how much work there was to be done, I connected with someone and that's what God sent me here to do. I couldn't believe I said that because I've never been one to praise God in an actual conversation but it made sense to say it at the time and I think she realized where I was coming from. When we went back the next day we finished the shed and at the end of the day when we were saying goodbye to the family, Cody came out and gave me a piece of paper, it had his address on it. I smiled and gave him another hug, this time he let me. Needless to say after that he asked me if I had a boyfriend but I let him down easy. ;)

I sent him one letter and got nothing back...but I know I made a difference in his life because he made a difference in mine. Wow...all that from some photos...

A New Start!

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 02:58:45 GMT

I went back and read a bunch of my old entries on my old livejournal and I couldn't believe what was writen there. It was all this childish bullshit that went on, who hated who in school and what boy everyone had a crush on. Some of it made me laugh but other times I just wondered about myself...thinking, dear god, what is wrong with me.

It's summer time and I'm pretty happy about that, but not totally. I've now completed one and a half years at the Boro. I gave up during fall 2006 because I couldn't handle everything going on in my life. I couldn't handle having Mel as a roommate, couldn't handle having my floor from freshman year still have a thing against me, I couldn't handle my classes or my grades so I just gave up and came home. In reality, it was the best thing that I ever did. Took my job at Outlook Pointe with the elderly and learned a thing or two about myself while I was there. Also, got some of the drama back at school thrown into my face, but it didn't bother me because I was away from it.

I made some money and then went back in the Spring. Had all new classes set up for me but was left with not even knowing why I was in college. I know I want an education in something, but I just haven't figured out what that is yet, and that scares me. I see all these people drop out and say they're going to come back but they never do. I want to be there, but for what? I really connected with some great people though, found out who my real friends are, made a crap load of new ones, partied till the sun came up, and made up with old friends.

I roomed with Amanda because she had problems with her roommate too but it was weird. We got along great but she is in school for, well, I'm not exactly sure. I was told that she only wanted a boyfriend and that's all she was after. I believed it cause she'd never had one but I didn't believe that was the only reason she was in school. Well, when she finally got one, things between us changed. She was hardly around anymore, she never talked to me unless he was doing something else...or she was waiting for him to call. She even managed to ditch me one night while we were on a walk. It was midnight on a Wednesday or something, we were taking the loop and he called, she asked me if I would be ok by myself. Sometimes I wonder what she would've done if I had said "No" Would she have still gone? I'm happy enough to room with her next year but who knows what things will be like. I feel like I'm losing her and I really do want to be her friend, everyday I get further and further away though.

Besides that I made some great new relationships, Melissa and Racheal joined our little gang and they're great to have around. Always there to listen to me talk about whatever's on my mind. It's nice to know I have people like that for me. I always have Kevin and Katie and without a doubt they're my best friends, but I can always use more. Don't really know how I could've gotten through this year if they hadn't been there. We did all sorts of crazy things together and I hope that doesn't change, Racheal will be in a different building next year so I hope we still see her. Along with things changing, Kevin will be going to Germany for spring semester 2008, I have no idea if I'll be able to survive without him. We've gotten really close and he's pretty much like my other half. We can talk about anything, I mean, we could talk about...fish for hours. I hope he has the experience of a life time but I just hope things will go back to the way they were when he comes back.

I've had my share of guys this semester too, one mistake but everyone makes those. Josh was who everyone thought would be a great choice but it didn't go so well. I guess some things aren't meant to be and that was clearly one of them. Christian was a great friend but people who thought something went on were wrong. Nothing went on and I didn't want anything to go on. I thought I liked him but I didn't. He's a great friend, a good listener and it didn't go anywhere after that. I miss him though and hope he at least comes to visit the Boro. Then there's my party stage. When I party, sometimes I have a tendacy to get "friendly" with people and well, I did. I don't consider it mistakes either cause nothing went further than I wanted it too. You can all call me whatever you want but I'm the only one who knows what went on and I'm ok with the things I did or didn't do.

Now here I am, home for the summer and I like it but miss the Boro and all it's craziness everyday. I miss talking to Quinn, having Josh make fun of me, playing games like Kemp and Loaded Questions, smoking outside with Kev, taking late night walks, drinking, I miss it all. Good and the bad.

Going to Seattle though to see my brother in 3 weeks so I can't wait for that.

And Then I Found 10 Bucks...

Mt. TOP......greatly missed.

A New Start!